Friends

I hate not having that many friends. I'm all alone for a week and no one is available to go out with me or just hang out. It sucks that I am actually gonna be completely alone this whole week. Trevor and Alayna just left this morning, I wish I could have gone with them rather than have this feeling of emptiness. This is rediculous. I really should have more friends than this. I have plenty of "friends", I just want more of the ones that I can call up to hang out with.

The Frustration

I try to be less jealous with my fiance because I know that I am overly jealous. We have a baby together so I feel less jealous knowing that he wants to be with me. But I still don't think it's okay for him to be enrolled in a dating service. He says he only did it so his brother could get points and he doesn't pay for it. When I checked it this morning he added a girl in our area as a crush and messaged her. It's not myspace so anything you send someone else is considered flirtatious, right? I am so sick and tired of repeating myself. If I don't want him talking to his ex's on myspace why would he think it's okay to message some girl on a dating service. He wouldn't think it was okay if I did this to him. But he insists, I trust you so it wouldn't bother me. What am I supposed to say if one of my friends or someone else I know sees him on there and tells me. Am I supposed to act like the stupid wife, "Oh yeah I know, it's for his brother." That just makes myself sound so stupid. He doesn't consider how I feel about things in general and just does them without asking me. Where is the F-ing communication? Huh? I don't understand why he makes things seem so difficult. God!!!

Money in a Family

My fiance of five years recently sold a little WW2 Paratrooper Welbike on ebay. In the years that we have lived together, the money in our relationship is our money. We have bills just like any other person and we have a daughter. We have been strapped for cash like a lot of people lately so when he got $7000 for the bike he didn't pay for, we were really happy. The thing was that he didn't talk to me about him splitting the money with his dad. He told me he was going to. It sounded nice at first but as soon as I thought about all of our bills and how much that money could help I didn't think he should give his dad half... Maybe $2000 would be fine but not half. My fiance went through so much trouble getting this bike to ship to the buyer in the UK. His father didn't give him the bike he got it through a coworker. His father made a crate which helped a lot, but I can't understand why he would rather give his dad half of the money than pay off some of our debts. We have been short on money for food! His dad would have been happy with a smaller dollar amout. Along with all of the problem with shipping. The buyer sent us the money for shipping and cost but paypal deducted the entire shipping money. Well, before my fiance knew how much shipping was going to be, he took his fathers half out of the money. Leaving him with $3500. Two weeks later, I get a bill from fedex for $940. My fiance said he will just take it out of his money!!! I couldn't believe this. First he already gave his dad more than what I was comfortable with, second he didn't even ask my opinion, third he would be getting $1000 less than his dad and the money should be going to him. I told him he has to at least get half the shipping cost from his dad. He agrees, then tells me he will pay 400 then split the remainder between him and his dad. This was wrong too!!! He doesnt' realize how his is spliting up the money, it's making me angry that he feels like he has to take care of his dad when he has a family. His father can't work cause he owes for child support and they would deduct the money from his paycheck. That's not my fiance's fault and he shouldn't be responsible for his dad at this point in time. He still has like 20 years to go. We have a family, bills, and we really could of used the money to lower our debts. Especially in this economy. I'm so frustrated and I don't feel like he even tried to see what I thought about this. He makes me feel like it's none of my business.

Finances

Sometimes I take a look at all of my families bills and wonder how our lives would be different if we spend our money on different things and did so wisely. We have two car loans that are more than $800 all together per month and I just imagine what we could do with that money. I mean seriously. We would have more money for groceries and clothes. It's funny to see what we over all trade things for. It is great that we have two reliable vehicles but I do wish we had more money and didn't have to worry about debt so much. I just claimed bankruptcy and don't plan on doing it again. I don't want anymore high credit card bills and I really want to put my money to good use. We don't need two vehicles but in the future we will. It is better to pay for them now and not worry about it when we move down south where it's more expensive to live. After the cars are paid off, we will be able to buy a house, which will be great. We need to stop trading in our vehicles and I'm hoping that my fiances truck will be the last vehicle change for at least 10 years. I want us to have a good future and not have to worry about money. The economy is doing really bad right now but normally we always find a way to make it through anything. I'm pretty positive but I do have my moments when I think that it's just over and there is no up. I guess I should just get use to having hard times cause life is full of them. I just feel like things could be so much better.

Companies

Don't you ever get frustrated with bad service that you are paying for or bad service from a representative over the phone? I think At&t is probably the worst company ever. Every month I was their customer, there was a problem at least once. I was out of the internet for two weeks in one month! And I have online school. Now I switched to suddenlink and have no problems with the service that I am paying for. But now I just wanted to add more channels which is only supposed to be an extra $15 (so I was told), and now they say oh no it's $35. I already cancelled my blockbuster access account and now I have to reactivate it. This is such a pain! The lady on the phone didn't offer a solution or an appology, she just tried to sell me a phone service. RRR...

I Need Time

I think that I want to get away for a while. Maybe a couple days or maybe a week. Whether it's going to San Francisco with friends or going to my grandma's in Arkansas. I want some time to think about my relationship and the way I've been feeling lately. I know that I love him, but I also know that I refuse to continue feeling the way I do. I don't want to watch him flirt with other girls, and I don't want to feel like I'm the only one that knows he's doing it. I don't want to feel stupid for telling him and I also don't want to feel like I might as well not tell him what's bugging me because he's just going to do it again. I don't want Alayna to be the only reason why I stay with him. I don't want to regret my life with him and I don't want to feel unappreciated. I love him, I show him respect, I never flirt with other guys, and I expect him to do the same for me. Plus, I shouldn't have to state this to him. He should know this on his own. I don't want him to think that it's okay because I will never leave him. He needs to know that I will leave if he doesn't treat me right.

Trust

How would you be able to tell if the one you love really loves you? How are you supposed to know that when they flirt with other girls that they are only thinking of being with you? How can you assure yourself that they are confident in their decision of being with you, when they constantly flirt with their past partner right in front of you? How are you supposed to know that they don't want to go back to them and regret the decision of choosing you over them? How can you trust them at all when all they have ever lied about is that person? Why should you stay with the one you love when you are so unsure of their feelings at certain times even when they try to validate them? Why do I continue writing questions when the first one pretty much says it all? How will I ever know?